SNL Christmas

If you're anything like me, you need a little comedy to get you through the holiday season. I just thought I'd share my favorite Christmas themed sketches from SNL. I hope you enjoy!

                     I Wish It Was Christmas Today:

   http://www.hulu.com/watch/311558/saturday-night-live-christmas-treat

                                         Schweddy Balls:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4156/saturday-night-live-nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls

                                       **** in a Box:

   http://www.hulu.com/watch/1402/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-dk-in-a-box-censored

Why I Hate Christmas

I am a big fan of Thanksgiving. I love getting together with family, watching football, and eating myself into oblivion. There's no major preparation, usually no fighting, and the afternoon is spent by sleeping off 3+ pounds of food. What's not to like? And the icing on the cake is my birthday is around Turkey Day, so everyone is nice to me!

But..
I absolutely hate Christmas or the holiday season or whatever you want to call it. It is an over-sized production put on by corporate America that sucks happiness via the vacuum created by the empty space in the wallets of the middle class. But that's not the only reason...


Music
Radio stations in Northeast Mississippi must have a deal with Santa because these nerds start playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving! Hey, big man--can I at least enjoy my holiday before you start shoving joy and cheer down my throat? I don't want to hear cheesy Christmas songs performed by Justin Bieber or a slew of country artists. I will let Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" slide, though. She's got some pipes. I realize that I am of the minority being a "Holiday Hater", but can we either mix up Christmas songs with a few non-holiday jams or start playing this crap in December rather than mid November?

Shopping 
My sister is not a big fan of Christmas either. We had a discussion about it over the Thanksgiving table, and she said, "No part of the Christmas spirit means running over an old lady in the Target parking lot to get your kid's toy at half-price." And I can't agree more. This holiday is supposed to be about giving and loving our neighbors and all that jazz, and it has turned into a newspaper full of articles about shoppers being pepper-sprayed or tazered or getting weaves ripped out.

Decorations
Christmas decorations are the worst. No, I take that back. All decorations are the worst. What's the point of putting all that garb up to only take it down one month later? I see none. And don't try to feed me that garbage about "Oh! They put you into the spirit of the holidays. They make everyone happy." They don't make me happy. They clutter my home and run up the electric bill. And until you have to put up decorations for Christmas at Midway, you'll never fully know my hatred. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED working at the marina, but decorating the grounds was not my favorite part.


The holiday season does have a positive. This is the most charitable time of the year in America. Charities receive millions of dollars of donations during the months of November and December that help provide food, clothing, and gifts for families all over the world. However, all too often this generosity is overshadowed by greed and marketing.

Until we can  give up the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping and decorating our houses and lawns like the runways of JFK and be content with food, family, friends, and free-giving, I will continue to be a Scrooge.

Bah humbug.


Check these out:
Operation Christmas Child
http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/

Salvation Army
https://donate.salvationarmyusa.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=206

Feed the Children
http://www.feedthechildren.org/ 

Twilight Wish
http://www.twilightwish.org/

It's My Birthday

Several months ago, I promised Courtney Simmons that I would blog about my ultimate birthday... because we share the same birth date (along with Miley Cyrus, Snooki from Jersey Shore, and my roommate).

I am not a liar, Courtney. Here ya go.

I don't think I could ever dream or imagine a better birthday celebration than the one I experienced yesterday.  Justin Bieber gave me a free concert on the Today Show, WITH USHER, especially for my birthday. I woke up at 7:15 to baby sit my best friend's nephew. Although the kid did have two screaming fits that lasted a total time of about 45 minutes, it wasn't all that bad. Even after all of the tension of trying to settle him down and feed him and all that jazz, it was an amazing feeling to have his little body crash when I was rocking him to sleep. I totally understand why women do it.

But I will never.

After feeling motherly and accomplished, I went home to an empty house. I nuked some homemade veggie soup and curled up to a DVR'd episode of The Closer. I had put my electric blanket on my bed the night before, so I turned that baby on, flipped on some back-to-back Law & Order*, and crawled in the bed for a little siesta. And the siesta lasted four hours...until it was time for a little fellowship with my church family.

The night was topped off with a little watching of Beetlejuice with Mother and Father Tucker. We had some popcorn and laughs, and it was the perfect ending to a perfect day.

I want to thank everyone for all of the birthday wishes that were sent my way yesterday. As you can see, it was absolutely perfect.

Oh, and happy thanksgiving!




*One episode was all about DA Jack McCoy, who is my favorite character; the other episode featured former DA Abbie Carmichael, my second favorite character.

Breaking Yawn: Part 1

I hope this doesn't damage my street cred any more than my serenade of Justin Bieber songs did: I watched the Twilight movie. And I was not disappointed. It was equally as mediocre as I had imagined. The acting was poor; the 25 minute story-line was stretched 92 minutes too long, and Jacob only took his shirt off once. However, I was in wonderful company, so I had a great time despite the film.

Here are a few things that stood out to me...

Hey, Kristen. How much did you make on the last two movies? According to my good friends at Wikipedia, the series has grossed 1.8 BILLION dollars. I realize you don't get all of that money, but a mere .1% of the total income gives you 1.8 million. That's a lot of cash money. So, don't you think you could buy a $1 box of dental floss? The plaque buildup between your teeth has resulted in some noticeable staining. And don't vampires rely on their teeth to do whatever it is that they do? Dental hygiene is a big deal, and if you want those chompers much longer, you better start practicing it.

Now, I don't want to spoil anything for you readers out there who haven't seen the movie and who are actually interested in it for more than an afternoon out of the house. However, I do have to point out one part of the movie that made me giggle. When all of the werewolves were in the screaming match at the lumberyard, the scene reminded me of an old Power Rangers episode but with better special effects. The dogs were growling and talking in human voices at the same time. That was impressive and confusing. I spent the majority of the scene trying to figure out how many sets of vocal cords those miraculous beasts have to multitask like that. I was just waiting for all of the dogs to morph into one growling, talking werewolf that would battle Rita Repulsa's alien army.

Like I said before, I didn't go into this movie with high hopes. I didn't jump on the bandwagon when the books were a hit, and I didn't jump on the bandwagon when the movies took over the world. I saw the second one just to see the shirtless boy with the tattoo, and I saw this one so I could hang out with some friends. All in all, it was a great way to spend the afternoon.

Oh, and if you want to see another blogger's take on the movie, here's a link to Jen Lancaster's blog.
http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2011/11/breaking-dawn-otherwise-known-as-a-ride-in-edwards-volvo.html

Freedom

Yeah, kids! I'm free! No more slaving in the classroom or kickin' it in the library. I get two weeks of freedom. That's 14 days of unconstrained, literary genius.

I realize it's been way too long since my last addition to the interweb world, so I'm going to make up for lost time. I'm not promising a post every single day of the holiday, but I do promise at least three.

So, hide your kids. Hide your wife. 'Cause I'm snatchin' up errbody's sadness this Turkey Day.

Itawamba Blackout

For almost half an hour, the Greater Fulton Area experienced a blackout this evening. Now, I have read on someone's Facebook status that this blackout was caused by a raccoon getting into something at the power station. Whether or not that is true, I'll never know, but it sure makes Fulton sound like a happenin' place!

When the modern conveniences of the 21st century are compromised by a power failure, what am I to do?  Being trapped in my newly renovated cave with my laptop and no internet connection, I felt helpless.  At that exact instant in time, I thought to myself, "Gosh, you should have made yourself watch that documentary on the Amish this summer. But, NO! You had to watch The Incredible Human Body...again. Now you'll never know how to survive in this world without electricity or modern machinery."


I couldn't watch tv. I couldn't creep on Facebook or Twitter. I couldn't do homework (not because of the blackout--I just didn't want to do it.) My whole body felt like my hands when I take a picture--where do I go and what do I do?

We live way out in the sticks, and our section of power line is often forgotten when the Tombigbee Electric Power Association fixes the problem. So, the McLeod household has been plagued by power failures many times in my life. We usually light all of the candles and kerosene lanterns in the house, grab a book or board game, and commune in the living room for some family bonding time. It's always a nice retreat from the hustle and bustle of this technologically crazed world, of which I am extremely dependent.

I'm using this blog as an avenue to find out what other people do when they're forced to step away from TV and computers.

Please comment and share your activities! Mom and I have almost memorized all the Taboo and Mad Gab cards, so we need new ideas for our "Blackout Parties"!

I'm Not A Boy

Every girl has had an experience in life that has had a distinct impact on her character, an experience that led her to find out who she really is.

When I was younger, I was a competitive gymnast. I practically lived in the gym, and my life revolved around gymnastics. I didn't want to deal with my hair flopping all around and having to re-do my ponytail every 45 seconds, so I got my hair cut off pretty short. And by pretty short, I mean it was like a boy's haircut.

To be paired with my boy hairstyle, I had the "tom boy" attitude. I rocked shorts and a t-shirt (which I still rock...). I played sports with boys; I wrested with boys. I didn't want to be treated any differently because of my anatomy, so I didn't act like I was any different.

With all this being said, here's my story.

Picture it: Fulton Grammar School, 1999. I was in Judy Spencer's third grade class. There was a new student in our grade, but I can't really remember if she was in my class or not, but it makes no difference to the outcome of the story. I will leave her name out of this, but we'll call her "Jane".

Jane was a really outgoing, talkative young lady. She tried really hard to fit in, but with Fulton being a small town, it was really hard for her to click with the majority of her classmates.

My first interaction with Jane was in the girls' bathroom. I had just finished my business and was at the sink washing my hands. Jane emerged from her stall as I was reaching for the paper towel. She says, "Excuse me. The boys' bathroom is across the hall!" I responded, "I'm not a boy," and went back to the room and held in my tears until I could get home.

Because of my upper-front quadrant, I am no longer accused of being a boy. However, because of my shoes, clothing, and over-all appearance, I am accused of being a lesbian.

I am neither.

Art of Attraction

In my 21 years of life, I've been able to snag one good boyfriend, two homosexuals, and a few other suitors. This qualifies me as an expert in the art of attraction, and today, I will share my three tools of the trade.

1. Dress not to impress.
Genuinely do not care what you look like. When you get up in the mornings, don't brush your hair. Just leave it in the ponytail that you went to bed with it in. Throw on some gym clothes regardless if you're going to the gym or not. The spirit of apathy that is evident in your appearance will attract some high class folks. Trust me--I'm a pro.

2. Only talk in movie quotes.
Okay, this one isn't true. You can also speak in song lyrics and television quotes. Let no original line slip from your lips. This will lead to many awkward laughs and "I don't get it"s, which are key elements in attraction.

3. Never initiate a conversation.
Always wait for the other person to speak. Only speak when spoken to. This makes you seem mysterious and challenging, especially paired with point #2.

These are simple steps to follow, but they work very effectively. Enjoy!

My Obsession

I have had my Netflix account for only a little over a year, but I have racked up quite a watch instantly history.

Here's what I have watched...

These are just the television shows. 

Desperate Housewives seasons 4-5

Reno 911 seasons 1-5

The Office seasons 1-6

Parks and Recreation seasons 1-2

30 Rock Seasons 1-4

Arrested Development seasons 1-3

SNL: The Best of Jimmy Fallon

SNL: Weekend Update Thursday

Saturday Night Live seasons 19-36 (this took a really long time...)

Hot in Cleveland season 1

River Monsters seasons 1-2

Swamp People season 1

Hey Arnold! season 1

Bones seasons 1-6

I have also watched all of Rizzoli and Isles in the past week, but it wasn't available on Netflix.

Dream Lunch

Since my writer's block post, I have had several requests for writing about my dream lunch. Here ya go!

For the meal, I would have a Claude's burger from the Dawg House in Ruston. I know this sounds simple, but I promise you, it's the absolute best hamburger in the entire world. The contrast of the sweet bun and the salty, spicy hamburger meat and jalapenos is sheer perfection. I would have some homemade onion rings and a healthy portion of cat-sup with a fresh squeezed lemonade on the side. For dessert, I would have Sean Walter's baklava and a box of berry tie-dye Fruit-by-the-Foot.

Now here comes the good part--the company!

Of course Tina Fey would be there. We could talk about our childhoods and being mistaken for boys. We'd crack jokes on each other and have eating contests. Of course, I'd win because I take Giada de Laurentis-sized bites.

Jen Lancaster would also be there. She would just make me laugh talking about her dogs and the idiots in her neighborhood. I'd ask her how to get famous by writing a blog, and she'd tell me, and then I'd get a book deal and move to Boston.

The final person is a toss-up between Jimmy Fallon, Colin Quinn, and Patrick Dempsey. Jimbo is adorable, and he'd be a good person to stare at while I'm eating. Colin Quinn could just talk to me in his Brooklyn accent. The downside with these two is they would just catch up with Tina Fey and leave me out of the conversation. I need the attention to ALWAYS be on me. It's my dream lunch!  So, by default, McDreamy will be the winner. His job would be to smile at me and wear a lab coat. It can't get any better or more simple than that. It's totally reasonable.

One day, I'm going to wake up, and Tina, Jen, and McDreamy will be at my house with rented mopeds, and we'd ride them to lunch.

Then, I could die.

People Problem

First of all, I've had over 30 views since yesterday's post, but I haven't had a single comment on what to write. I'm bringing this to your attention because I want you to feel guilt and shame. I hope I have succeeded.

Anywho, let's get to today's topic: my problem with people.

I have practically grown up as an only child. My sister was a senior in high school when I was born, and she and her husband have been almost like second parents to me. My older brother is 11 years my senior, and he left for college by the time I started school. With both of my siblings being out of the house almost the entirety of my life, I've never had to share or compromise. I've pretty much gotten my way in everything.

After a recent incident involving a stranger and my things being plundered through, I started thinking about how much I like to be left alone. And I love it! I am as much of an introvert as one can be. It's not that I hate people--that's not at all what I mean. Okay, well, it kind-of is. But, I just cannot communicate or interact with people without being physically and emotionally exhausted.

I didn't interact with my peers in high school. I spent every weekend playing ball or sitting at home with my boyfriend. I never branched out and made friends or even attempted saving the friendships I had acquired in middle school. This sounds utterly pathetic, but it's the truth. I was perfectly fine sitting at home and watching television rather than going to a party and socializing. This habit of living a life vicariously through a character in a show has followed me to college and has severely inhibited my ability to enjoy "the best years of my life."

The reason I went out of state for college was not to just run away from it all. I thought that if I was forced out of my comfort zone into a place where I knew no one, I would have to make friends. I would have to get out and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Have I succeeded in this plan? Of course not! I've only made myself more of a recluse. (I have, however, kept Netflix in business with Instant Watching!!!)

I'd love to change this aspect of my personality. I truly would. But the fear of rejection gets my acid reflux on a tear and then I'm too sick to go out. It's lose-lose. I keep thinking, "One day, I'll be a social butterfly," thinking that will be around the time I'm out of school and employed. But if I can't do it now, what makes me think I can do it in 3 years? What if my time for making friends has passed?

I hadn't really realized how quickly this post would go down hill and turn into a Debbie Downer rant. I do enjoy others' company, and I won't refuse it if someone offers. I'm just pissed because someone went through my stuff.

Writer's Block

I am having trouble thinking of anything to write about. Here is a list of ideas I shot down.

Art of Attraction--a list of tips to find a boy toy
Years at Brown Cove-- my childhood at my sister's house on the Waterway
Best Lunch Ever--my dream lunch complete with food, conversation, and lunch guests


If you have anything you'd like me to write about, feel free to suggest by leaving a comment.

Self Defense

If you are a mugger, you don't need to read any more of this.


Whenever I am forced to park in a parking garage, I always have my plan of attack in the forefront of my mind. Some thug is not going to mug me without breaking a bone or dying in the process. This bitch don't play. Plus, I did one month of P90X, so I'm pretty strong.

I'm feeling generous today, so I am going to share my self-defense plan with you.

I always imagine my assailant will approach me face to face. This isn't realistic, but it's my imagination. So, suck it. Anyway, I always walk with my keys between my fingers in "shank mode" to be prepared. When the assailant walks up and grabs for my wallet, I will pull the wallet towards my right side. He will lean in to get the wallet, and as he leans, I will knee him in the groin. (Ron Swanson says, "There's no shame in attacking a criminal's bean bag.") When he doubles over in pain, I will stab him in the throat between the clavicles with my key, severing his windpipe. This sounds violent, but I'm not going to die or lose my money.

If by some chance the assailant attacks from behind, I'll use Gracie Lou Freebush's "SING" tactic: Elbow to the Solar plexus,  stomp on the Instep, elbow to the Nose, and fist to the Groin. I'm not going to steal her thunder. Besides that, anyone who is too cowardly to attack me without showing his face doesn't deserve an original ass kicking plan. Second-hand is nice enough.

Anyway, I hope you've learned something by reading this. Be careful.

When I Grow Up: Careers in Bio-medical Engineering

I'm often asked, "So, what exactly can you do with that degree?" In all honestly, I don't have a damn clue. Half of the time I can't even explain what classes are in the curriculum. With me being a senior (sort-of), I should have some idea of what I am going to do when I get out of this cesspool the rest of the world calls college. Here are my top ideas.

1. Forensic Scientist/Anthropologist
This career choice is highly influenced by the hit television series Bones. I do realize that I should have a degree in anthropology to seriously pursue this, but chances are, I'll get bored with it like I do everything else.

2. Policewoman/FBI Agent
I came to the conclusion that I would like to be a police officer when I was on a trip to Orlando, FL with a friend. We had a little accident leaving Universal Studios, and it took the Orlando Police Department over two hours to respond to the scene, even after 3 or 4 phone calls to the station. Oh, and did I mention that there was a cop across the median at the time of the wreck?! Yeah, that's the kind of job I want. I'm really good at driving fast and eating doughnuts, and if what I see on television and/or Orlando is accurate, I would be a great police officer!

FBI agent just sounds cool.

3. Dolphin Tail Maker
You may laugh reading this, but this could actually be relevant. The movie Dolphin Tales is about a doctor or engineer or something that builds a prosthetic tail for a dolphin. I saw a commercial for this movie tonight and decided this could be a contender for a future profession.

4. SNL Writer
I've watched over 20 years of Saturday Night Live since Christmas, and I think I have developed a satirical wit similar to the writers in the late 90's and early 2000's. And honestly, who wouldn't want to do this job?! No, I may not be a household name or even be seen in front of the camera, but my words could! I could be the mastermind behind a Spartan Cheerleaders equivalent! Who'll be the Spartan in your TV? It's me! It's me!

5. Dentist
Good money, set my own hours, low liability.
Down side--more school.


So, what's probably going to happen is that I'll graduate, move back to Fulton, teach physics or biology at the high school and be a coach of some sort. Television will suck because I won't be writing. Itawamba residents will continue to have poor dental hygiene. Murders will remain unsolved. High school students will continue to spray paint their graduation years on road signs. And a dolphin will swim around in circles because no one will create a prosthetic to replace its injured flipper.

One day I will be forced to make a decision. Until then, I will continue to draw ideas from television characters.

Wreck-less Driving: Ode to the White Cavalier

Being a woman driver in the United States, I am well aware of horrible drivers on the road. On my way home from work today, I was cut off by a white Chevrolet Cavalier. To say the least, I was enraged. This particular experience prompted me to make a list of grievances and suggestions.

1. Know where you're going

If you get behind the wheel, you should have some idea of where your destination is. There are several websites that can assist you in this task: Google Maps, MapQuest, etc. On these websites, you can view a map or get detailed, step-by-step directions. It's whatever you prefer, whatever is easiest for you. Once you know where you're going, please get in the appropriate lane AHEAD OF TIME, so that you can make your turns and arrive safely at your destination.

2. Follow Rules and Regulations

Once you know where you're going, it's your job to get there. However, that doesn't mean you get there by whatever means necessary. The Highway Department has spent many hours developing rules for the road to promote safety for its users. These rules (ex. speed limits) should be followed.

3. Get off of the Phone

Yeah, I'm going to say it. Get off of the phone. Drive. I am not underestimating your ability to multitask, but driving, being in control of a 2,000+ lb moving vehicle, is not the time nor place to perform multiple tasks simultaneously. Texting often seems pertinent (ex. you think of something clever and you want to Tweet it). I have often been guilty of breaking this rule, but believe me, it can wait. Just drive.

4. Be Aware of your Turn Signals

Turn signals are used to signal other drivers on the road that you are turning, hence the name. Using them is just as simple as the name! So use them! While we're on the subject, turn those things off after you've turned! The makers of automobiles know how annoying it is to see someone driving for miles with his or her turn signals just-a-blinkin'. They automatically go off after the turn is made. Sometimes this doesn't happen, but there is a click. There are flashing lights. Are you keeping up? An audible and visual signal have been installed to determine when your turn signals are in use. There is no excuse.

Now, I don't expect everyone to drive around like a State Patrol officer is riding passenger side. You can and should have fun while driving that beautiful Cavalier on the streets of Fulton, MS. These are just four simple suggestions to keep you from being talked about on the world-wide web.

Starting Fresh

Well, I woke up this morning in 2004 and decided I would start blogging. I believe I am the ideal "blogger" because I am extremely critical, have a lot of free time, and cannot hold an actual face to face conversation with another human being. With this being said, I'm sure this will be a long lasting internet relationship...

For the thousands (three) out there who are reading this, I thank you. You won't be disappointed with my future posts. I mean, a college kid who works at a small town marina lives a pretty interesting life.