Self Defense

If you are a mugger, you don't need to read any more of this.


Whenever I am forced to park in a parking garage, I always have my plan of attack in the forefront of my mind. Some thug is not going to mug me without breaking a bone or dying in the process. This bitch don't play. Plus, I did one month of P90X, so I'm pretty strong.

I'm feeling generous today, so I am going to share my self-defense plan with you.

I always imagine my assailant will approach me face to face. This isn't realistic, but it's my imagination. So, suck it. Anyway, I always walk with my keys between my fingers in "shank mode" to be prepared. When the assailant walks up and grabs for my wallet, I will pull the wallet towards my right side. He will lean in to get the wallet, and as he leans, I will knee him in the groin. (Ron Swanson says, "There's no shame in attacking a criminal's bean bag.") When he doubles over in pain, I will stab him in the throat between the clavicles with my key, severing his windpipe. This sounds violent, but I'm not going to die or lose my money.

If by some chance the assailant attacks from behind, I'll use Gracie Lou Freebush's "SING" tactic: Elbow to the Solar plexus,  stomp on the Instep, elbow to the Nose, and fist to the Groin. I'm not going to steal her thunder. Besides that, anyone who is too cowardly to attack me without showing his face doesn't deserve an original ass kicking plan. Second-hand is nice enough.

Anyway, I hope you've learned something by reading this. Be careful.