Every girl has had an experience in life that has had a distinct impact on her character, an experience that led her to find out who she really is.
When I was younger, I was a competitive gymnast. I practically lived in the gym, and my life revolved around gymnastics. I didn't want to deal with my hair flopping all around and having to re-do my ponytail every 45 seconds, so I got my hair cut off pretty short. And by pretty short, I mean it was like a boy's haircut.
To be paired with my boy hairstyle, I had the "tom boy" attitude. I rocked shorts and a t-shirt (which I still rock...). I played sports with boys; I wrested with boys. I didn't want to be treated any differently because of my anatomy, so I didn't act like I was any different.
With all this being said, here's my story.
Picture it: Fulton Grammar School, 1999. I was in Judy Spencer's third grade class. There was a new student in our grade, but I can't really remember if she was in my class or not, but it makes no difference to the outcome of the story. I will leave her name out of this, but we'll call her "Jane".
Jane was a really outgoing, talkative young lady. She tried really hard to fit in, but with Fulton being a small town, it was really hard for her to click with the majority of her classmates.
My first interaction with Jane was in the girls' bathroom. I had just finished my business and was at the sink washing my hands. Jane emerged from her stall as I was reaching for the paper towel. She says, "Excuse me. The boys' bathroom is across the hall!" I responded, "I'm not a boy," and went back to the room and held in my tears until I could get home.
Because of my upper-front quadrant, I am no longer accused of being a boy. However, because of my shoes, clothing, and over-all appearance, I am accused of being a lesbian.
I am neither.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Art of Attraction
In my 21 years of life, I've been able to snag one good boyfriend, two homosexuals, and a few other suitors. This qualifies me as an expert in the art of attraction, and today, I will share my three tools of the trade.
1. Dress not to impress.
Genuinely do not care what you look like. When you get up in the mornings, don't brush your hair. Just leave it in the ponytail that you went to bed with it in. Throw on some gym clothes regardless if you're going to the gym or not. The spirit of apathy that is evident in your appearance will attract some high class folks. Trust me--I'm a pro.
2. Only talk in movie quotes.
Okay, this one isn't true. You can also speak in song lyrics and television quotes. Let no original line slip from your lips. This will lead to many awkward laughs and "I don't get it"s, which are key elements in attraction.
3. Never initiate a conversation.
Always wait for the other person to speak. Only speak when spoken to. This makes you seem mysterious and challenging, especially paired with point #2.
These are simple steps to follow, but they work very effectively. Enjoy!
1. Dress not to impress.
Genuinely do not care what you look like. When you get up in the mornings, don't brush your hair. Just leave it in the ponytail that you went to bed with it in. Throw on some gym clothes regardless if you're going to the gym or not. The spirit of apathy that is evident in your appearance will attract some high class folks. Trust me--I'm a pro.
2. Only talk in movie quotes.
Okay, this one isn't true. You can also speak in song lyrics and television quotes. Let no original line slip from your lips. This will lead to many awkward laughs and "I don't get it"s, which are key elements in attraction.
3. Never initiate a conversation.
Always wait for the other person to speak. Only speak when spoken to. This makes you seem mysterious and challenging, especially paired with point #2.
These are simple steps to follow, but they work very effectively. Enjoy!
Monday, September 12, 2011
My Obsession
I have had my Netflix account for only a little over a year, but I have racked up quite a watch instantly history.
Here's what I have watched...
These are just the television shows.
Desperate Housewives seasons 4-5
Reno 911 seasons 1-5
The Office seasons 1-6
Parks and Recreation seasons 1-2
30 Rock Seasons 1-4
Arrested Development seasons 1-3
SNL: The Best of Jimmy Fallon
SNL: Weekend Update Thursday
Saturday Night Live seasons 19-36 (this took a really long time...)
Hot in Cleveland season 1
River Monsters seasons 1-2
Swamp People season 1
Hey Arnold! season 1
Bones seasons 1-6
I have also watched all of Rizzoli and Isles in the past week, but it wasn't available on Netflix.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Dream Lunch
Since my writer's block post, I have had several requests for writing about my dream lunch. Here ya go!
For the meal, I would have a Claude's burger from the Dawg House in Ruston. I know this sounds simple, but I promise you, it's the absolute best hamburger in the entire world. The contrast of the sweet bun and the salty, spicy hamburger meat and jalapenos is sheer perfection. I would have some homemade onion rings and a healthy portion of cat-sup with a fresh squeezed lemonade on the side. For dessert, I would have Sean Walter's baklava and a box of berry tie-dye Fruit-by-the-Foot.
Now here comes the good part--the company!
Of course Tina Fey would be there. We could talk about our childhoods and being mistaken for boys. We'd crack jokes on each other and have eating contests. Of course, I'd win because I take Giada de Laurentis-sized bites.
Jen Lancaster would also be there. She would just make me laugh talking about her dogs and the idiots in her neighborhood. I'd ask her how to get famous by writing a blog, and she'd tell me, and then I'd get a book deal and move to Boston.
The final person is a toss-up between Jimmy Fallon, Colin Quinn, and Patrick Dempsey. Jimbo is adorable, and he'd be a good person to stare at while I'm eating. Colin Quinn could just talk to me in his Brooklyn accent. The downside with these two is they would just catch up with Tina Fey and leave me out of the conversation. I need the attention to ALWAYS be on me. It's my dream lunch! So, by default, McDreamy will be the winner. His job would be to smile at me and wear a lab coat. It can't get any better or more simple than that. It's totally reasonable.
One day, I'm going to wake up, and Tina, Jen, and McDreamy will be at my house with rented mopeds, and we'd ride them to lunch.
Then, I could die.
For the meal, I would have a Claude's burger from the Dawg House in Ruston. I know this sounds simple, but I promise you, it's the absolute best hamburger in the entire world. The contrast of the sweet bun and the salty, spicy hamburger meat and jalapenos is sheer perfection. I would have some homemade onion rings and a healthy portion of cat-sup with a fresh squeezed lemonade on the side. For dessert, I would have Sean Walter's baklava and a box of berry tie-dye Fruit-by-the-Foot.
Now here comes the good part--the company!
Of course Tina Fey would be there. We could talk about our childhoods and being mistaken for boys. We'd crack jokes on each other and have eating contests. Of course, I'd win because I take Giada de Laurentis-sized bites.
Jen Lancaster would also be there. She would just make me laugh talking about her dogs and the idiots in her neighborhood. I'd ask her how to get famous by writing a blog, and she'd tell me, and then I'd get a book deal and move to Boston.
The final person is a toss-up between Jimmy Fallon, Colin Quinn, and Patrick Dempsey. Jimbo is adorable, and he'd be a good person to stare at while I'm eating. Colin Quinn could just talk to me in his Brooklyn accent. The downside with these two is they would just catch up with Tina Fey and leave me out of the conversation. I need the attention to ALWAYS be on me. It's my dream lunch! So, by default, McDreamy will be the winner. His job would be to smile at me and wear a lab coat. It can't get any better or more simple than that. It's totally reasonable.
One day, I'm going to wake up, and Tina, Jen, and McDreamy will be at my house with rented mopeds, and we'd ride them to lunch.
Then, I could die.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
People Problem
First of all, I've had over 30 views since yesterday's post, but I haven't had a single comment on what to write. I'm bringing this to your attention because I want you to feel guilt and shame. I hope I have succeeded.
Anywho, let's get to today's topic: my problem with people.
I have practically grown up as an only child. My sister was a senior in high school when I was born, and she and her husband have been almost like second parents to me. My older brother is 11 years my senior, and he left for college by the time I started school. With both of my siblings being out of the house almost the entirety of my life, I've never had to share or compromise. I've pretty much gotten my way in everything.
After a recent incident involving a stranger and my things being plundered through, I started thinking about how much I like to be left alone. And I love it! I am as much of an introvert as one can be. It's not that I hate people--that's not at all what I mean. Okay, well, it kind-of is. But, I just cannot communicate or interact with people without being physically and emotionally exhausted.
I didn't interact with my peers in high school. I spent every weekend playing ball or sitting at home with my boyfriend. I never branched out and made friends or even attempted saving the friendships I had acquired in middle school. This sounds utterly pathetic, but it's the truth. I was perfectly fine sitting at home and watching television rather than going to a party and socializing. This habit of living a life vicariously through a character in a show has followed me to college and has severely inhibited my ability to enjoy "the best years of my life."
The reason I went out of state for college was not to just run away from it all. I thought that if I was forced out of my comfort zone into a place where I knew no one, I would have to make friends. I would have to get out and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Have I succeeded in this plan? Of course not! I've only made myself more of a recluse. (I have, however, kept Netflix in business with Instant Watching!!!)
I'd love to change this aspect of my personality. I truly would. But the fear of rejection gets my acid reflux on a tear and then I'm too sick to go out. It's lose-lose. I keep thinking, "One day, I'll be a social butterfly," thinking that will be around the time I'm out of school and employed. But if I can't do it now, what makes me think I can do it in 3 years? What if my time for making friends has passed?
I hadn't really realized how quickly this post would go down hill and turn into a Debbie Downer rant. I do enjoy others' company, and I won't refuse it if someone offers. I'm just pissed because someone went through my stuff.
Anywho, let's get to today's topic: my problem with people.
I have practically grown up as an only child. My sister was a senior in high school when I was born, and she and her husband have been almost like second parents to me. My older brother is 11 years my senior, and he left for college by the time I started school. With both of my siblings being out of the house almost the entirety of my life, I've never had to share or compromise. I've pretty much gotten my way in everything.
After a recent incident involving a stranger and my things being plundered through, I started thinking about how much I like to be left alone. And I love it! I am as much of an introvert as one can be. It's not that I hate people--that's not at all what I mean. Okay, well, it kind-of is. But, I just cannot communicate or interact with people without being physically and emotionally exhausted.
I didn't interact with my peers in high school. I spent every weekend playing ball or sitting at home with my boyfriend. I never branched out and made friends or even attempted saving the friendships I had acquired in middle school. This sounds utterly pathetic, but it's the truth. I was perfectly fine sitting at home and watching television rather than going to a party and socializing. This habit of living a life vicariously through a character in a show has followed me to college and has severely inhibited my ability to enjoy "the best years of my life."
The reason I went out of state for college was not to just run away from it all. I thought that if I was forced out of my comfort zone into a place where I knew no one, I would have to make friends. I would have to get out and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Have I succeeded in this plan? Of course not! I've only made myself more of a recluse. (I have, however, kept Netflix in business with Instant Watching!!!)
I'd love to change this aspect of my personality. I truly would. But the fear of rejection gets my acid reflux on a tear and then I'm too sick to go out. It's lose-lose. I keep thinking, "One day, I'll be a social butterfly," thinking that will be around the time I'm out of school and employed. But if I can't do it now, what makes me think I can do it in 3 years? What if my time for making friends has passed?
I hadn't really realized how quickly this post would go down hill and turn into a Debbie Downer rant. I do enjoy others' company, and I won't refuse it if someone offers. I'm just pissed because someone went through my stuff.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Writer's Block
I am having trouble thinking of anything to write about. Here is a list of ideas I shot down.
Art of Attraction--a list of tips to find a boy toy
Years at Brown Cove-- my childhood at my sister's house on the Waterway
Best Lunch Ever--my dream lunch complete with food, conversation, and lunch guests
If you have anything you'd like me to write about, feel free to suggest by leaving a comment.
Art of Attraction--a list of tips to find a boy toy
Years at Brown Cove-- my childhood at my sister's house on the Waterway
Best Lunch Ever--my dream lunch complete with food, conversation, and lunch guests
If you have anything you'd like me to write about, feel free to suggest by leaving a comment.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Self Defense
If you are a mugger, you don't need to read any more of this.
Whenever I am forced to park in a parking garage, I always have my plan of attack in the forefront of my mind. Some thug is not going to mug me without breaking a bone or dying in the process. This bitch don't play. Plus, I did one month of P90X, so I'm pretty strong.
I'm feeling generous today, so I am going to share my self-defense plan with you.
I always imagine my assailant will approach me face to face. This isn't realistic, but it's my imagination. So, suck it. Anyway, I always walk with my keys between my fingers in "shank mode" to be prepared. When the assailant walks up and grabs for my wallet, I will pull the wallet towards my right side. He will lean in to get the wallet, and as he leans, I will knee him in the groin. (Ron Swanson says, "There's no shame in attacking a criminal's bean bag.") When he doubles over in pain, I will stab him in the throat between the clavicles with my key, severing his windpipe. This sounds violent, but I'm not going to die or lose my money.
If by some chance the assailant attacks from behind, I'll use Gracie Lou Freebush's "SING" tactic: Elbow to the Solar plexus, stomp on the Instep, elbow to the Nose, and fist to the Groin. I'm not going to steal her thunder. Besides that, anyone who is too cowardly to attack me without showing his face doesn't deserve an original ass kicking plan. Second-hand is nice enough.
Anyway, I hope you've learned something by reading this. Be careful.
Whenever I am forced to park in a parking garage, I always have my plan of attack in the forefront of my mind. Some thug is not going to mug me without breaking a bone or dying in the process. This bitch don't play. Plus, I did one month of P90X, so I'm pretty strong.
I'm feeling generous today, so I am going to share my self-defense plan with you.
I always imagine my assailant will approach me face to face. This isn't realistic, but it's my imagination. So, suck it. Anyway, I always walk with my keys between my fingers in "shank mode" to be prepared. When the assailant walks up and grabs for my wallet, I will pull the wallet towards my right side. He will lean in to get the wallet, and as he leans, I will knee him in the groin. (Ron Swanson says, "There's no shame in attacking a criminal's bean bag.") When he doubles over in pain, I will stab him in the throat between the clavicles with my key, severing his windpipe. This sounds violent, but I'm not going to die or lose my money.
If by some chance the assailant attacks from behind, I'll use Gracie Lou Freebush's "SING" tactic: Elbow to the Solar plexus, stomp on the Instep, elbow to the Nose, and fist to the Groin. I'm not going to steal her thunder. Besides that, anyone who is too cowardly to attack me without showing his face doesn't deserve an original ass kicking plan. Second-hand is nice enough.
Anyway, I hope you've learned something by reading this. Be careful.
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